As Advocate X has spent the last couple of weeks single-handedly saving the global banking industry from total annihilation (and in an entirely unconnected coincidence, wondering what to do with the money he made from shorting certain shares), we thought we?d give you THE FIRST PART OF a selection of the caped crusader?s best bits from the last year or so. You lucky, lucky people.
ADVOCATE X ON…
GREEDY AMERICANS
?of course, anyone this stupid probably doesn?t even realise what money is for, and lives in some sort of bubble house with no sharp edges anywhere and tastefully padded walls. Part of Mr Pearson?s claim relates to the cost of his having to hire a car every weekend for the next ten years to go to another dry cleaner because he just couldn?t face going back to the evil, trouser-eating maniacs down the road. This is broadly equivalent to me demanding regular flights to China from the Mandarin Rooms because of the trauma they caused by forgetting my prawn crackers last time I had a take-away?.
HUMAN RIGHTS
?as far as I?m concerned, human rights boil down to three things: first, you have the right not to be arbitrarily killed, injured or incarcerated by anyone. Even by me. Secondly, you have the right to say or write whatever you want without fear of death, injury or incarceration. Unless you write to Gallery complaining about the contents of my column, in which case you get what you deserve. Thirdly, you have the right to a fair trial. There might be a couple of others, but frankly as you live in Jersey you won?t be needing them. And I only put in the third one so as to ensure that I get a steady stream of work..
TEENAGE ABSTINENCE
?having looked into the whole Silver Ring Thing via Google, it seems that although a lot of these girls stick to the no-sex rule, many don?t include or*l or an*l action as being ?proper? sex, and so feel free to indulge in those areas. Hot dog! Young girls analysing rules and exploiting loopholes (no pun intended, honest) is the sort of thing that keeps me warm at night. And there?s no risk of pregnancy?
LIBEL
?the following is an actual apology published by the Sun which is so good that I?ve had to reproduce it in full:
?In an article published on The Sun website on January 27 under the headline ?Gollum joker killed in live rail horror? we incorrectly stated that Julian Brooker, 23, of Brighton, was blown 15ft into the air after accidentally touching a live railway line. His parents have asked us to make clear he was not turned into a fireball, was not obsessed with the number 23 and didn?t go drinking on that date every month. Julian?s mother did not say, during or after the inquest, her son often got on all fours creeping around their house pretending to be Gollum.?
So, to summarise:- virtually everything in the original article was wrong, and not just in a oops-we-got-a-minor-detail-wrong way, but in a tapdancing-pink-elephants-total-loss-of-contact-with-reality way. I particularly like the Gollum bit, which shows an admirable level of imagination?
ANIMAL RIGHTS
?on the other hand, it?s hard to think of many jobs that an ape could hold down in Jersey (leaving aside the obvious gags for a moment), but is there really that much of a difference between a chimp sitting about all day eating, defecating, sh*gging and watching Jeremy Kyle and what goes on in certain States flats and student halls of residence?
EMPATHISING WITH CRIMINALS
?I appreciate that this may be difficult for all you law-abiding Gallery readers who wouldn?t dream of driving in third gear in a green lane or failing to give your bushes the Brazilian treatment come branchage time, but bear with me. Try putting yourself in the position of the type of scum-sucking bottom feeder who regularly stars in the JEP?s Magistrate Court section under headings like ?Assault?, ?Cannabis?, ?No Insurance? and my personal favourite, ?Fondled Grandmother??.
MAD DEFENCES
?take the unfortunately anonymous Australian man who, in April 2007, was prosecuted in the Southport district court for having sex with and in front of his 14 year old stepdaughter. His defence? ?I was possessed by the spirit of Min, the ancient Egyptian god of sex and fertility, and so it wasn?t actually me who did it?. Now I know a lot of guys who secretly think that they?re sex gods, but it really takes balls to stand up and say it in court. The victim said that he had told her that having sex with a god would ?make her forget she had been molested as a child, cure her of a cyst and teach her how to have multiple orgasms?. Astonishingly, the first jury who heard the case were unable to agree a verdict (presumably because they had cyst/orgasm-related issues of their own and were unwilling to write off any potential cures)?
