We sent Emma on a mission to find the best Flat White in town.
The Flat White is an inherently controversial drink. Everyone has a different opinion of what one is: big cup, small cup, whole milk, green milk, foam or no foam. James Hoffman, the god of coffee, defines it as a shorter, stronger latte that forgoes the froth of a cappuccino. Despite the fact that this is what a Flat White ‘should’ be, the drink comes in all shapes, sizes and consistencies. Whether at the behest of customers, or the owner’s personal preference, different coffee shops produce wildly different Flat Whites. With all variations being popularly consumed, finding the ‘best’ Flat White is a near impossible task. Any and all results are doomed to be largely spurious, based entirely on speculation and individual bias.
To solve the issue, I decided to categorise coffee shops by which Friends characters would frequent them. This allows you to decide where to go based on the personality you most resonate with. Curiosity would be the home ground of Phoebe, basking in the ungentrified feel of this comfy environment. Dandy would be coveted by Chandler, becoming an essential stop on his route to the office. You’d find Joey in Bean Around the World, because he thinks it makes him seem well travelled. The exception to this is when they killed off Dr. Drake Ramoray, which calls for McCafé à la acid under mocking golden arches. Monica, balancing good taste with affordability, would probably frequent Cooper’s Retail Store. And Rachel would be found in Locke’s or Costa (the latter with Ross, because he thought it was where she wanted to go). If it were solely up to the Palaeontologist, he’d honestly just get Costa Express.
The place where none of them would go individually, but everyone would go together, would be Cargo. It contains enough of each of them to be a balanced middle ground. Nice artwork for Phoebe, and cushty enough for Rachel. Chandler enjoys that his Flat White comes the ‘correct’ size, and Monica appreciates that it isn’t wildly overpriced. It’s edgy enough for Joey to feel comfortable, and if everyone else liked it, Ross would probably like it too.
*James Hoffman is an English barista, YouTuber, entrepreneur, coffee consultant, and author. Hoffman first came to prominence after winning the World Barista Championship in 2007 and has since been credited as a pioneer of Britain’s third-wave coffee movement.
Phoebe: Curiosity Coffee Shop
Taste: 4
Smell: 7
Appearance: 5
Burnt?: No
General Ordering Experience: Nice
Sturdiness of Cup: 8
Price: £2.90
Value for Money: 7
Pretence: Depending on who you ask, either 0 or 10
Would James Hoffman drink it?: If something on Curiosity’s bookshelf caught his attention
Volume: 5 (1 = smallest, 5 = largest)
Chandler: Dandy
Taste: 8.5
Smell: 9
Appearance: 6
Burnt?: No
General Ordering Experience: Thoroughly Good
Sturdiness of Cup: 9
Price: £3.30
Value for Money: 8
Pretence: 10
Would James Hoffman drink it?: Yes
Volume: 2
Joey: Bean Around the World / McDonald’s
Taste: 8
Smell: 9.5
Appearance: 7
Burnt?: No
General Ordering Experience: Best baristas on the island
Sturdiness of Cup: 7
Price: £2.95
Value for Money: 9
Pretence: 5
Would James Hoffman drink it?: Under peer pressure
Volume: 5
Taste: 1
Smell: 1
Appearance: 4
Burnt?: Yes
General Ordering Experience: Mildly offensive environment
Sturdiness of Cup: 8.5
Price: £2.09
Value for Money: 2 – side of Gaviscon required
Pretence: 0
Would James Hoffman drink it?: No
Volume: 1
Monica: Cooper’s Retail Store
Taste: 9
Smell: 10
Appearance: 10
Burnt?: No
General Ordering Experience: Extremely pleasant
Sturdiness of Cup: 10
Price: £2.20
Value for Money: 11
Pretence: 8.5
Would James Hoffman drink it?: Yes – but he’d make them make it smaller
Volume: 5
Rachel: Locke’s / Costa (with Ross)
Taste: 7.5
Smell: 8
Appearance: 6
Burnt?: No
General Ordering Experience: Very cushty
Sturdiness of Cup: 8
Price: £3.10
Value for Money: 7
Pretence: 9.5 (no B Corp certification)
Would James Hoffman drink it?: Yes
Volume: 1
Taste: 5.5
Smell: 3
Appearance: 6
Burnt?: Slightly
General Ordering Experience: Nice
Sturdiness of Cup: 8
Price: £3.65
Value for Money: 2
Pretence: 0
Would James Hoffman drink it?: As part of a social experiment
Volume: 4
Ross: Costa Express / Alliance
Taste: 1
Smell: 3
Appearance: 0
Burnt?: God yes.
General Ordering Experience: Unpleasant
Sturdiness of Cup: 8
Price: £3.35
Value for Money: -10 (more expensive than Dandy)
Pretence: 0
Would James Hoffman drink it?: Not even with a gun to his head
Volume: 3
Taste: 4.5
Smell: 7
Appearance: 4.5
Burnt?: Yes
General Ordering Experience: Refreshingly anonymous, no human interaction required.
Sturdiness of Cup: 8
Price: £1.75
Value for Money: 7
Pretence: 0
Would James Hoffman drink it?: No
Volume: 5
Common ground: Cargo
Taste: 8
Smell: 8.5
Appearance: 6
Burnt?: No
General Ordering Experience: Very friendly
Sturdiness of Cup: 3
Price: £3
Value for Money: 8
Pretence: 7
Would James Hoffman drink it?: Yes
Volume: 1
